He began lifting me up about two months ago when I asked the elders of the church to pray over me. The prayer that I believe was prayed in unison was not necessarily physical healing, but spiritual. At that moment my spirit began to heal. It wasn't immediate, it was gradual. Last weekend was difficult, because I began to question God again. I automatically was convicted, but then I became fearful. I waited for something bad to happen, because I needed to be punished. He revealed to me last Saturday, that He was not waiting to punish me for questions. He doesn't have to give answers, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't ask questions. When we want to know someone at a more intimate level, we do ask questions.
This weekend has already been a whirlwind. I couldn't write about it Friday, for reasons I can't explain. I have previously written of the endometriosis that has made its home in my body. Two months ago I was told both of my tubes were blocked after the doctor conducted a HSG. Between Thursday night and Friday morning I took three at home pregnancy tests. All were positive. I made an appointment to have blood work drawn and the test confirmed pregnancy. The doctor also did an ultrasound, but nothing was seen. He told us this means one of three things. (1) It is too early to tell, (2) it is ectopic, (3) it is tubal. I will go back on Monday for more lab work. If my levels rise then the pregnancy is progressing, if they drop it is ectopic, and if they stay the same it is more than likely tubal.
No matter what the results of the lab work reveal, we can say God is good all the time. If our hope is in a child we will be defeated if the results are not what we want. If our faith rest on the outcome we will be forever broken if the pregnancy is not full term and the end result is not a healthy baby. We do desire a child, but our hope and faith must be in God, our Father and Savior. He opens up wombs when humans cannot. He builds faith and hope when humans cannot. He is faithful when humans are not. My faith and hope are not in a child or physical healing, but in Him. He will work all things for His glory and our good (Romans 8:28). Alan and I don't know what is best for us, but we do know that our Heavenly Father loves us and calls us by name.
We must trust Him day by day and moment by moment. Trusting Him is the only way we will have peace and joy.
1 John 11 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. 2 The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. 3 We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 4 We write this to make our[a] joy complete.
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.6 If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin. 8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.