Trusting Our Heavenly Father

For about a year I have been crying out, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief," much like the man who ask the Lord to help his unbelief in Mark 9:24.  I have also asked him for hope and faith.  Over the past few months I have realized my hope has been in things, such as, healing, babies, etc.  My hope has not been in the Lord (see Hebrews 11.  My faith has been smaller than a mustard seed when it should be at least that of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20).  At one point I was at my lowest of lows just asking God, "What is the point in living?" Not that I would take my life, but I was homesick. 

He began lifting me up about two months ago when I asked the elders of the church to pray over me.  The prayer that I believe was prayed in unison was not necessarily physical healing, but spiritual.  At that moment my spirit began to heal.  It wasn't immediate, it was gradual.  Last weekend was difficult, because I began to question God again.  I automatically was convicted, but then I became fearful.  I waited for something bad to happen, because I needed to be punished. He revealed to me last Saturday, that He was not waiting to punish me for questions.  He doesn't have to give answers, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't ask questions. When we want to know someone at a more intimate level, we do ask questions. 

This weekend has already been a whirlwind.  I couldn't write about it Friday, for reasons I can't explain.  I have previously written of the endometriosis that has made its home in my body.  Two months ago I was told both of my tubes were blocked after the doctor conducted a HSG.  Between Thursday night and Friday morning I took three at home pregnancy tests.  All were positive.  I made an appointment to have blood work drawn and the test confirmed pregnancy.  The doctor also did an ultrasound, but nothing was seen.  He told us this means one of three things.  (1) It is too early to tell, (2) it is ectopic, (3) it is tubal.  I will go back on Monday for more lab work.  If my levels rise then the pregnancy is progressing, if they drop it is ectopic, and if they stay the same it is more than likely tubal.

No matter what the results of the lab work reveal, we can say God is good all the time.  If our hope is in a child we will be defeated if the results are not what we want.  If our faith rest on the outcome we will be forever broken if the pregnancy is not full term and the end result is not a healthy baby.  We do desire a child, but our hope and faith must be in God, our Father and Savior.  He opens up wombs when humans cannot.  He builds faith and hope when humans cannot.  He is faithful when humans are not. My faith and hope are not in a child or physical healing, but in Him. He will work all things for His glory and our good (Romans 8:28).  Alan and I don't know what is best for us, but we do know that our Heavenly Father loves us and calls us by name.  

We must trust Him day by day and moment by moment.  Trusting Him is the only way we will have peace and joy. 

1 John 1

 ¹ That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. ² The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. ³ We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. ⁴ We write this to make our^[a] joy complete.
 ⁵ This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.⁶ If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all^[b] sin. ⁸ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

Psalm 73:25-26

Psalm 73:25-26

New International Version (NIV)

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

The human soul can be filled with regrets we never forget where we've gone wrong.  Almighty God stands ready to forgive all of our offense in Crimson flood. It is so beautiful, it's so beautiful.  I feast my eyes at how you satisfy my soul. With my first breath I drew in depravity needing your mercy even in my first hour. I'm proof the cross is as able today, as when the lamb was slain on the altar of God. It is so beautiful, it's so beautiful. I feast my eyes at how you satisfy my soul. I do believe there is something going on where I cannot see deep in my soul. I feel the impact of a might wind, don't know where it comes from, but I know where it's taking me. It is so beautiful.


What a beautiful song by Bethany Dillon!  He does stand ready to forgive all of our offense and He is so beautiful! 

Transforming Thoughts

I am in awe at this moment, because God is completely transforming my thoughts.  I am attempting to let go.  I am attempting to be still.  It is difficult because I am a control freak, but today He has revealed His thoughts regarding His children are different from human thoughts.  He loves me and forgives me.  His wrath will not be poured down just because I believe I am too far gone for Him to ever forgive.  I view myself as a failure, unworthy,  and incapable.  I don't see that I am worth loving, but He does.  I want to spend time with the Lord and I want to know what He thinks of His creations.  

Matthew Henry wrote in his commentary, "This shall be in pursuance of God's purposes concerning them (Jeremiah 29:11): I know the thoughts that I think towards you. Known unto God are all his works, for known unto him are all his thoughts (Acts 15:18) and his works agree exactly with his thoughts; he does all according to the counsel of his will. We often do not know our own thoughts, nor know our own mind, but God is never at any uncertainty within himself. We are sometimes ready to fear that God's designs concerning us are all against us; but he knows the contrary concerning his own people, that they are thoughts of good and not of evil; even that which seems evil is designed for good. His thoughts are all working towards the expected end, which he will give in due time. The end they expect will come, though perhaps not when they expect it. Let them have patience till the fruit is ripe, and then they shall have it." 

I Shall Believe

Matt Brouwer from the album Unlearning

Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
And I know You're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

(Chorus)
That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I'm so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

That not everything is gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

I shall believe
I shall believe

Surprising Myself

The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the LORD blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever” (Isaiah 40:7-8). 

Today my husband, mother-in-law, and I landscaped the yard.  I usually strongly dislike anything that deals with wet dirt and the possibility of spiders, bugs, snakes/reptiles, etc.   I was surprised at how much I enjoyed planting.  There is something about being in nature that touches the soul.  I still do not love the spiders, bugs, or reptiles, especially the possibilities of snakes, but I do love the way our house has been transformed and I love admiring all of God's beautiful work.

Before 

After

I do believe it will be wonderful to watch all of these beautiful plants grow.  I only screamed twice while we were planting.  Once because I saw something I believed was a spider (it wasn't) and once because I saw a salamander.  I am such a chicken! I do want to take time to admire all of God's work.  In all the busyness of planting I admit I forgot to thank our Heavenly Father for all His blessings. I have since thanked Him, but I do hope I will begin to thank God for each moment as they occur.  What a Mighty God!  I am extremely thankful today for a Savior and forgiveness. 

Psalm 32

Of David. A maskil.

 ¹ Blessed is the one
   whose transgressions are forgiven,
   whose sins are covered.
² Blessed is the one
   whose sin the LORD does not count against them
   and in whose spirit is no deceit.
 ³ When I kept silent,
   my bones wasted away
   through my groaning all day long.
⁴ For day and night
   your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
   as in the heat of summer.^[b]
 5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
   and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
   my transgressions to the LORD.”
And you forgave
   the guilt of my sin.
 ⁶ Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
   while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
   will not reach them.
⁷ You are my hiding place;
   you will protect me from trouble
   and surround me with songs of deliverance.
 ⁸ I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
   I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
⁹ Do not be like the horse or the mule,
   which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
   or they will not come to you.
¹⁰ Many are the woes of the wicked,
   but the LORD’s unfailing love
   surrounds the one who trusts in him.
 ¹¹ Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
   sing, all you who are upright in heart!

A Great Reminder of His Love

Love Came Down Lyrics
by Bethel Live | from the album Be Lifted High
If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice I’ll hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep I will lift these hands in faith I will believe I remind myself of all that You’ve done and the life I have because of Your Son Love came down and rescued me Love came down and set me free I am Yours I am forever Yours Mountain high or valley low I sing out remind my soul I am Yours I am forever Yours When my heart is filled with hope and every promise comes my way When I feel Your hands of grace rest upon me Staying desperate for You God, Staying humbled at Your feet I will lift these hands and praise I will believe I am Yours, I am Yours, all my days, I am Yours Father, Thank You for never giving up on me even when I want to give up on myself.  Thank You for Your forgiveness even when I can't forgive myself.  Thank You for what You've done in my life because of Your Son.  Love came down to rescue us and I thank You for that love.  Jesus Christ the perfect sacrifice.  I will never understand the how's or why's, but I thank You for Your perfect will. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Uncertainty

For the  most part I have experienced a remarkable amount of peace this week even in the midst of no energy.  Last night attacks were made against that peace.  The EXTREME lack of energy is new.  I am always tired, but I feel as if someone has sucked all of the energy out of me.  Last night my mind  began dwelling on the "What If's."  I became so anxiety stricken over a procedure I will soon have.  I became extremely sad thinking about those I love who are hurting.  I lost sight of the purpose in suffering.  I want healing for those I love.  Selfishly I want physical healing for myself.  I wept for a moment and then my husband and I prayed.

We prayed God would direct our paths on this journey.  It is a journey of uncertainty, because we have no idea what the outcome will be.   I know the procedure will leave me in pain for a short time.  I know the doctor is not certain he can open my tubes.  I know a lot of negative things, but I don't know what God is going to allow.  It is clear to me at this moment the Father is asking me to trust Him.  Anyone who knows me, knows I have difficulties trusting.  

I read these lyrics this morning on a dear friend's blog and at this very moment these words are what I needed to read.  Laurie always has such words of wisdom.  God gives her a word and she is obedient to speak that words to others.   

Worth It All – by Rita Springer

I don’t understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
I’ll give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
And with it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around ev’ry corner
And up ev’ry mountain
I’m not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I’m desp’rate in seeking
Frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I’m needing
I will say to You
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It’s gonna be worth it
It’s gonna be worth it

It’s gonna be worth it all 

Father,

I thank You for friends who are obedient to Your will.  I want to believe these words written by Rita Springer.  You hold on to all my pain and with it You are pulling me closer and it will be worth it.  I want the pain my friends and family are going through to be worth it.  I want the pain my husband and I are going through to be worth it.  It will be worth it, if it draws us and others closer to You.  It is hard to see good in the midst of so much pain.  Our minds or finite and are not made to understand all of Your ways. As I read Mathew 27:46 this morning my heart ached for Jesus.  Thinking of Him hanging on the cross, crying out to You, and seemingly with no answer.  Then You spoke and the veil was torn, many began to believe Jesus was the Son.  The years He suffered and the painful crucifixion was not to go in vain.  Thank You for the ultimate sacrifice. Let us not lose sight at what was done on the cross.  Jesus, Jesus, the sweetest name I know.

Psalm 37:23 New Living Translation (NLT)
The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.

Grandparents

I have always loved being around my Grandparents.  As I have grown older the amount of time spent with each living Grandparent has decreased.  Recently, I made a special memory with one of my Grandmothers and it reminded me that time in this world is brief.  The memory made was that of a prayer. As I prayed with my 84 year old Grandmother, I saw her as fragile. She has always been a rock in our family and I am always amazed at how strong she seems.  Throughout her journey she has lost a husband, son, and siblings, but she has not lost her faith. 

A memory I will forever cherish is hearing the news of my Great-Grandmother accepting Christ as her Savior, which occured this past Sunday.  I have lived my whole life believing she was a christian, because she is one of the best women I know.  At her ripe age, she answered to a calling and admitted good works does not gain ones salvation.

 For it is written in Ephesians 2:1-10

"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh^[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰ For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." 

I am blessed to have three living Grandparents and one Great-grandparent.  I have had to say goodbye to many and it was extremely difficult, but I am thankful for the memories. Some I did not know, but their legacy lives on in our family through stories. 

 His legacy lives on through stories and he was my Papa.  I only knew him for a short time and was told I was his first brown eyed grand-child.  This has always made me thankful for my brown eyes. Though I did not know him, I love him.  I see him when I look at my dad and uncles.  

 She is now in her 80's and just as beautiful as ever. Her grandchildren call her, Memommy.  It was given to her by my oldest cousin.  Memmommy's boys would joke with my cousin saying, "This is my mommy," to which Jennifer would reply, "No! It's Memommy!"  

Sometimes she took on a role that was more like a mother.  I lived in her house for a season and we were extremely close.  I remember all the times she would make breakfast just for me. Although miles are now between us, she is only a phone call away. Sometimes I long to be that little girl sitting in her Maw-maw's lap listening to stories. I do admire the way she takes care of her husband.  It is only by God's grace that she is capable of this.  I am not certain I could care for anyone under the same circumstances the way she has.

I am happy to say she is my sister in Christ.  My Great-Grandmother who has a special place in my life.  She is more capable of things than I ever will be and I am so thankful for all the memories we share.

I love when Papa and Nanny walk into the room and the babies faces light up with smiles.  I love Nanny's home cooking and taking naps at their house.  I have always had trouble sleeping, but every time I visit Papa and Nanny's house I rest well.

Saying good-bye to her was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She was a Grandmother to me.  Although, she was not blood related, no one would have known.  I was her granddaughter and she loved me just as her own.  As I write this post tears stream down my face thinking of all the memories shared.  I love her now and forever.  Her husband was special to me as well.  Although I have no pictures of him, I do have memories.

I was such a Paw-Paw's girl.  When he was around I didn't like to let him out of my site.  We would watch cartoons for hours.  May 2004 was a memory I wish to forget, but I will forever remember the call saying it was a motorcycle wreck.  He is still living, but never the same.  His brain injury has changed him, but the love still remains.

 The title Great-Grandfather fits him extremely well.  He was the first person I had to say good-bye too.  I was only a child and the pain was severe.  I think of him every time I smell saw-dust, because he was always at work making swings.  He was unbelievably talented and all that he made was beautiful.  I am thankful for the memories!

 Memories of horses, cows, and chicken are always associated with this Great-Grandfather.  I think of Easters spent on his land.  His little pony named Dolly was more like a puppy.  She followed him everywhere. No, this is not the pony in the picture :0)

When I count my blessing, I count memories made with grandparents and stories that continue for generations to come.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.
So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/707#ixzz1pmdvs9Nz

World Down Syndrome Day

http://www.worlddownsyndromeday.org/

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:13-16). 

This guy melts my heart!  Chris Burke is an actor and consultant for The National Down Syndrome Society and an inspiration to all.

  I am thankful for such a happy faced little boy who has inspired his mommy to create Cenla DSA.

 Tonight my friends and I will join one of my favorite places in the world Splurge Frozen Yogurt in honor of World Down Syndrome Day!

Father,
Thank You for each child you create.  Thank You for special talents you place in all of us.  Thank You for the ability to overcome what the world sees as obstacles.  Thank You for placing people in my life who are passionate about promoting awareness and thank You for placing me in a profession where I have the privilege to work with those who bless my heart and the heart of others. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

A special thanks to Mandy, Faith, and all the others who support Cenla DSA! 

If you have a moment watch this heart warming video!  

The Little Things...

"Give praise to the LORD, proclaim His name; make known among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always" (1 Corinthians 16:8-12).

These are just some of the little things in life that I am allowed to enjoy.  The husband and I had a great weekend.  Monday was also peaceful.  All great gifts are from above!  I am thankful for the little things, which have such a HUGE impact in our lives. 

 Kisses from a baby girl on a beautiful day!

 Oh the days when playing with rocks was the most fun thing in the world! 

 I love seeing sweet Momma Jen and her babies having fun!

Yummy cookies made by momma! 

Admiring DeeDee! 

Grown ups need a little fun too!  I love spiking this little ones hair.  

Savannah chose the cookie cake.  Mmm... I think she only had icing.  

Need laughter in your life? Spend time with these children! 

Baby boy destroying planting flowers! 

The highlight of my weekend... My little sister hit a home run!  

Father,

Thank you for such a peaceful weekend and a great start to my week.  I pray that even during the calm moments of my life, I will not forget to praise Your name.  Thank You for children who make me laugh until I could cry.  Thank You for family.  Thank You for home runs and the excitement they bring!  Thank You for days of rest and peace.  In Jesus sweet name I pray. Amen.

Hebrews 12

John Bunyan stated it well when he said, "We are apt to overshoot, in the days that are calm, and to think ourselves far higher, and more strong than we fid we be, when the trying day is upon us...We could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us.  We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there." 

There is a purpose for everything under the sun!  

Hebrews 12

The Call to Endurance

 ¹ Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, ² keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter^] of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.

Fatherly Discipline

 ³ For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won’t grow weary and lose heart.⁴ In struggling against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons: My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly  or faint when you are reproved by Him, ⁶ for the Lord disciplines the one He loves and punishes every son He receives. ⁷ Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? ⁸ But if you are without discipline—which all receive then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹ Furthermore, we had natural fathers discipline us, and we respected them. Shouldn’t we submit even more to the Father of spirits and live? ¹⁰ For they disciplined us for a short time based on what seemed good to them, but He does it for our benefit, so that we can share His holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. ¹² Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, ¹³ and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated^[g] but healed instead.

Warning against Rejecting God’s Grace

 ¹⁴ Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness without it no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵ Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many. ¹⁶ And make sure that there isn’t any immoral or irreverent person like Esau, who sold his birthright in exchange for one meal.¹⁷ For you know that later, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected because he didn’t find any opportunity for repentance, though he sought it with tears.

 ¹⁸ For you have not come to what could be touched, to a blazing fire, to darkness, gloom, and storm, ¹⁹ to the blast of a trumpet, and the sound of words. (Those who heard it begged that not another word be spoken to them, ²⁰ for they could not bear what was commanded: And if even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned! ²¹ The appearance was so terrifying that Moses said, I am terrified and trembling.) ²² Instead, you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God (the heavenly Jerusalem), to myriads of angels in festive gathering, ²³ to the assembly of the firstborn whose names have been written^[j] in heaven, to God who is the Judge of all, to the spirits of righteous people made perfect, ²⁴ to Jesus (mediator of a new covenant), and to the sprinkled blood, which says better things than the blood of Abel.

 ²⁵ Make sure that you do not reject the One who speaks. For if they did not escape when they rejected Him who warned them on earth, even less will we if we turn away from Him who warns us from heaven. ²⁶ His voice shook the earth at that time, but now He has promised, Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also heaven. ²⁷ This expression, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of what can be shaken that is, created things—so that what is not shaken might remain. ²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us hold on to grace.^[l] By it, we may serve God acceptably, with reverence and awe, ²⁹for our God is a consuming fire.