I didn't know that I would have time to write today due to work and birthday parties! The feelings raging within in me are conflicting. I am thankful for so many things. The Lord truly has blessed me. Today is a day I am extra thankful for. It is my husband's birthday! I love him with all of my heart!
It is a day to be celebrated, but I am feeling weak and weary. At times I am thankful for pain because it drives me closer to the Lord. I do not believe the Lord causes my pain, but He draws me close and holds me while I am in it. I probably should explain this physical pain I often write about. It has been no secret to me that pregnancy would be difficult. Doctors began telling me at a young age my hormones were not quite right, but they did nothing for them. I am sure they had reasons, but I was left in the dark. I had surgery about six months ago for endometriosis and was told all would be well after the surgery. The doctor assured me I would be pain free and a baby would come. Six months later and I am in more pain than before. There is also no baby in sight. This month a doctor found that both of my fallopian tubes are blocked, therefore I will have another laparoscopic procedure in attempts to open the tubes. I also have a knot on my spine that may need removing. I will see a surgeon next week for an evaluation. My work is an hour and fifteen minutes from my house, therefore my back aches more with each minute of the drive. I am thankful for my job. I am able to interact with children and I am not certain that many things surpass the blessing of watching a child who is full of joy. In all this I know I cannot give up! Allowing Satan or my flesh to win should not be an option, however sometimes I feel so weak that I just can't win. I am not crawling in a hole, but I do have that small desire. I am constantly reminded even in the storm my strength comes from the Lord.
Thank you for the many blessings you have given me. I am laying down my burdens at the feet of Jesus. Thank you for having my best interest at heart. I can't find the strength to stand so please carry me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.