Uniquely made

Prior to breakfast this morning I prayed and asked God, "If this depression is spiritual will you forgive me and set me free?" He replied using Sarah Young's devotional, "Jesus Calling." The insert for February 29 stated,"You ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH.  Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts.  I am leading you along the way I designed just for you.  Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking.  But I go before you as well as alongside of you, so you are NEVER ALONE.  Do not expect anyone to understand fully My ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others.  I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment.  As I said to My disciple Peter, so I repeat to you: Follow me.  

He also revealed to me that I am constantly condemning myself.  It is not my place to condemn anyone, including myself.  I have condemned self as long as I can remember.  When I was young I blamed myself for things a child cannot cause.  I would say to myself, "I just wasn't good enough! If I were better things would have worked out for them!  It was my fault!"  As I became older I compared myself to models and movie stars. I heard lies such as, "You will never look like that and he can't really love you because you don't compare to the women you read about in the magazines!" I have long stopped believing those lies.  I didn't cause parents to divorce and out of that divorce came some AMAZING siblings.  I have a relationship with my mother and father that I am thankful for. Family members who have been crucial in my walk with the Lord have entered in the form of "step," which is what they have been to me.  Stepping stones to a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father. God restored what Satan intended for bad.  I know I will never be airbrushed and that's okay with me.  My husband loves me in spite of myself.  Lately the condemnation is brought about by insecurities when I compare myself to others.  This too is a sin. I would be lying if I said I knew what my spiritual gifts were or what talents I posses.  I still look in the mirror and see a woman who lacks the ability to do many things. In the book "Land mines in the Path of a Believer," written by Charles Stanely he states, "You may think, I can't do anything well, but from God's perspective, you are a person of notable excellence."  

Truth is being revealed to me, but I am not sure when I will fully BELIEVE truths about myself.  I see such good in others so why is it difficult to see good in myself?  INSECURITY!  It is an awful land mine, but not one that is unable to be disarmed.  I haven't disarmed it, but I am hoping too.  "For God did not send His Son into the world that He might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him" (John 3:17).  We are fearfully and wonderfully made! I may see myself as nothing, but he sees me as "Radiant in His robe of righteousness." 

Father,

I thank you for just being You.  Others have told me all of my life that I am too hard on myself, but today You revealed I condemn myself.  That is a sin so I pray for forgiveness. Your son did not come to condemn the world, therefore why do I have the right?  I don't!  You created me and only You are allowed to judge.  I don't know how to stop judging myself because it has been a habit for a while. I think I have condemned myself my entire life. I have felt inadequate, judged, and low. I didn't see I was the one casting judgement on myself.  Others may cast as well, but I should not care about the judgement of others as long as I am seeking You with my whole heart.  Let me meditate on You and Your word.  Please teach me.  I know there will be days, even this day where I am so tired I don't want to function. I pray You would hold me close always and especially on days when fatigue is extreme and emotion are up and down. I pray You will be glorified.  In Jesus name, in His sweet name I pray! 

Blogging during my lunch break

I didn't know that I would have time to write today due to work and birthday parties!  The feelings raging within in me are conflicting.  I am thankful for so many things.  The Lord truly has blessed me. Today is a day I am extra thankful for. It is my husband's birthday!  I love him with all of my heart!

It is a day to be celebrated, but I am feeling weak and weary. At times I am thankful for pain because it drives me closer to the Lord.  I do not believe the Lord causes my pain, but He draws me close and holds me while I am in it. I probably should explain this physical pain I often write about.  It has been no secret to me that pregnancy would be difficult.  Doctors began telling me at a young age my hormones were not quite right, but they did nothing for them.  I am sure they had reasons, but I was left in the dark.  I had surgery about six months ago for endometriosis and was told all would be well after the surgery. The doctor assured me I would be pain free and a baby would come.  Six months later and I am in more pain than before.  There is also no baby in sight.  This month a doctor found that both of my fallopian tubes are blocked, therefore I will have another laparoscopic procedure in attempts to open the tubes. I also have a knot on my spine that may need removing.  I will see a surgeon next week for an evaluation.  My work is an hour and fifteen minutes from my house, therefore my back aches more with each minute of the drive. I am thankful for my job.  I am able to interact with children and I am not certain that many things surpass the blessing of watching a child who is full of joy.  In all this I know I cannot give up!  Allowing Satan or my flesh to win should not be an option, however sometimes I feel so weak that I just can't win. I am not crawling in a hole, but I do have that small desire. I am constantly reminded even in the storm my strength comes from the Lord.  

I found this card and it speaks many words to me.  I must believe these words!  He will carry us when we are weary!

Father,
Thank you for the many blessings you have given me.  I am laying down my burdens at the feet of Jesus.  Thank you for having my best interest at heart.  I can't find the strength to stand so please carry me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Choosing to worship

Yesterday was tough.  Every word spoken during worship I would cry out, "Does that apply to me?" I didn't believe the words applied to my life. God felt so far away and my heart ached.  A person I hold dear to my heart asked me to watch the video "The Desert Song," by Hillsong and then listen to the story behind the song.  I have been putting it off for four days now.  WOW!  It was such a blessing.  Jill McCloghry stated, "Right now it's choosing to worship even when I don't feel like it.  I know that my circumstances and this season doesn't change that God is still God, it doesn't change that God has called me to be here and what He has called me to do.  He is still on the throne and bigger than everything I'm facing." I am by no means a good singer, but I do love to sing praises most of the time.  Yesterday I felt cold.  I didn't even want to speak the words.  Listening to the story behind, "The Desert Song" was a slap in the face!  It was the kind of slap that felt good, if thats possible.  It's choosing to worship even when I don't feel like it.  There are so many days I just don't feel like it, but I did choose to pray yesterday.  Today I will choose to listen and obey.  

I have already admitted my heart is deceptive.  

This verse speaks directly to my heart.  God is my strength!  

I am as weak as they come and if I depend on my own abilities I will fail miserably.

How wonderful it is to know we will not be tempted beyond what we can handle!

 He will always provide a way out!

Father, 

     Thank You for being my strength when I have none.  Thank You for being faithful.  Most of the time when I am in the storm I can't see a way out, but I believe it is there.  Speaking the name of Jesus does calm the storm.  When I keep my eyes fixed upon Jesus I can walk on water without sinking.  Forgive me for constantly taking my eyes off of Jesus.  The way out exist even in the land-mine of insecurity.  Help me overcome my insecurities.  Revive me Lord not for me, but for Your name.  In Your mercy deliver me from my enemies.  Father I do believe, help my unbelief.  I love You and thank You for Your son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.  I pray I do not lose heart, but hold onto every truth You have given. If any read this blog I pray you will bless them as they are reading.  Be with them throughout the day and allow them to feel Your presence.  

My Heart

This is my first entry so it will probably be a lot less than perfect. I do hope in time I become a better blogger.  The name chosen for my blog has many different meanings, because I believe the heart is many things.  It is a wonderful creation of the Lord. I love with all my heart and when I laugh it is whole heartedly. I thank God for the many blessings in my life and experience all the fullness of joy in the depths of my heart.  The heart can also be very deceiving.  At times I allow my heart to feel lies that are not of God.  These lies trap me!  They could easily paralyze me.  They become like a disease and my body begins to waste away.  There are days when I don't want to fight.  I can't think of a better time than now to explain how my deceptive heart feels most of the days of my life.  Let me first explain what I mean by deceptive.  Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?" No one but God can understand the heart. I grow weary of putting on the armor of God that protects me. Satan makes it seem like giving up is the easiest thing to do and I would find comfort if I would just give up.  Thankfully I know many truths and giving up on a relationship with a Heavenly Father is not one of the truths.  Ephesians 6:12 reminds me "our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." I can tell Satan, NO!  I will not give up and even when I am weak my savior is strong.  I may fall for a while, but in the end my King will win! I have been journaling prayers for about a year and hope to share some of those prayers with you.  The Lord allowed me to enter into a pit for a reason.  I believed I was alone and no one understood.  My heart believed I was a burden to others, but the truth is setting me free!  I continue to have days that are dull and many times I ask God, "Why do I endure physical, emotional, and spiritual pain?" I also ask, "Why do so many of us women who desire to be Godly mothers remain childless?" I will not pretend to have any answers, but I do know God is good in all things.  I forgot that truth today.  It seems I often times do forget that God is sovereign and He is good!  I began asking questions and slipping back into the pit.  He didn't allow me to stay long.  I was there for about two hours and he used a letter written by a man I don't know, a blog post written by an amazing woman, and a bible verse to pull me out.  I pray that any of you who are like me and stricken with anxiety, guilt, depression, fear, etc. would come to know peace in the midst of it all.  


ARISE from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you--rise to a new life! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you! (Isaiah 60:1) 


Hear our cry, Lord, we pray
Our faces down, our hands are raised
You called us out, we turned away
We've turned away

With shipwrecked faith the idols rise
We do what is right in our own eyes
Our children now will pay the price
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out


We need You now
Revive us now
We need You now


(Casting Crowns)