It feels like such a distant memory and I never want to forget that memory. I never want to forget the pain that occurred the year before my daughter was conceived. I never want to forget the many tears that were shed and prayer poured out. That pain led me closer to God and I will forever be thankful for that dark period. It is not something I wish to repeat, but I would not trade it, because it brought me closer to God than I had ever been before. Being diagnosed with endometriosis and being told it may never go away was not easy. Even harder, was being told the surgery didn't work and I had two blocked fallopian tubes, which meant another surgery. Sometimes I felt like I didn't want to go on. I knew my life was never mine to take, so I wouldn't have taken it, but getting my day started was extremely difficult. I was so desperate and I knew without a doubt the only hope for healing was God. I knew He could heal me if He chose to do so, but at times, I did not believe I was worthy of His healing. When I called our preacher, I wasn't really aware of the verse that spoke about calling on the elders, but God placed that verse on my heart. Later that week I heard that verse being read aloud by a friend. It was confirmation that God is real and He speaks to us.
I know I have written about this before, but when I went to see the elders I was hoping for healing from the endometriosis. I had given up hope that we would have a child. I felt like Thomas. I doubted and I was upset with myself for doubting. I know now Satan was playing mind games. He was placing thoughts in my head, such as, "You doubt, you do not deserve healing and you certainly do not deserve a child." At the time, I really believed it was God saying these things to me. God would not place condemning thoughts in our mind and He is not a God of confusion. Satan is the king of lies and he is really good at deceiving. I battle daily with what is truth and what is a lie, which is why taking thoughts captive is of upmost importance.
When the elders prayed over us, they prayed for many things (anxiety, depression, healing, children). I remember leaving that day and almost immediately I felt like a darkness had been lifted. I still struggled and I still do struggle, but something was different. Later that week I cried out to God for myself and many of my friends who were struggling with fertility. I still had this little voice telling me I didn't deserve a child. I spoke out loud to that voice and told that voice, "You have no authority over me and you must flee in the name of Jesus!" I knew in that moment all my past mistakes had been forgiven and God loved me.
A week or two later I literally felt the Holy Spirit pressing met to take a pregnancy test. I remember saying, "God, I don't want to see another negative test." When it showed a positive test result, I told Alan, even if this test is not accurate, my faith has been lifted. God did not show me another negative test that day. On that day, I found out that God had chosen to heal me by placing a child in my womb. No surgeries or other interventions were needed. The only explanation was...MIRACLE! The doctors thought for sure we were having a tubal pregnancy, but today we have this beautiful child who smiles right when I need it. When I begin to be down and those condemning thoughts flood my mind, she is there as a reminder of God's forgiveness and love.
I cannot say it has been an easy four months. I have faced new fears and challenges. With each passing trial, God shows His kindness, patience, and goodness. I could go on for days about each new challenge and how God has revealed Himself. I really should write each story, because these are memories I never want to forget.
"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:13-16)