Ephesians 3:16-18

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your
hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is (Ephesians 3:16-18).

Monday, July 9, 2012

An attempt

Here goes another day at attempting to blog.  I believe blogging has taken a back seat in my life for many reasons.  Yes, it's true I haven't had motivation for much of anything these days, including cleaning and cooking.  My poor husband has to scrounge up what he can to survive!  I'm glad he loves me regardless. Boy, would I be in trouble if our love was contingent on me being a great house wife!  I have also felt as if blogging was pointless.  The truth is I'm probably one of the only people who reads this thing, but I did find it therapeutic when I was blogging consistently.  I guess that is a good enough reason to blog.

 The main reason and probably the most difficult to discuss is how far from the Lord I have felt lately.  I started blogging as a way to let others (if there were others reading) who may be dealing with depression see that God is good and always present even in the midst of depression.  When I started blogging I read my bible on a consistent basis and really enjoyed spending time talking to the Lord and being in His presence.  It wasn't because of a legalistic (you have to do this or you will be punished) reason, but a deep desire in my spirit that spurred me to want to know more about Him.  I haven't had that deep desire lately. I want to know the Lord, but I don't comprehend what I read anymore.  I am easily overwhelmed and feel like a kid who has ADD!  I can't pay attention for more than ten minutes at a time!  It's a little frusturating being so easily distracted.  The depression has lessoned, but the anxiety in my life has increased a great deal!  Anyway, how could I bring myself to blog when I find it difficult to pray.  My prayers have sounded more like this lately, "God this person is in pain or their family is hurting, I pray ughhh, I don't know Lord, I pray... You will help them." It is like I have prayer block.  I'm not sure that is a real thing, but that's how I feel.  Yup, prayer block would be the best words to sum up my prayers lately.

This dry spell stinks!  People have told me He is teaching me in this dry spell, but I don't feel like I have learned anything just yet.  I know the Lord is leading me out of it, because there is evidence in my life, such as right now, I'm blogging!  The hubs and I did a bible study together for the first time in a long time.  Granted, I laid my head down as he read, but it was progress.  Too many great things have happened lately for me not to write about and hopefully soon they will be part of my blog.  I'm not sure anymore what this blog is intended for or if it will ever serve any huge purpose in my life or the life of someone else, but I'm going to try and keep writing.  Even if I only write once a month, my intentions are to just write!

I'm not sure about writing regarding all my fears and anxieties at this point.  No, I think it will be pretty light hearted for a while.  I don't want to think of all the things that could happen.  Maybe it will be an outlet for me to get away from my ordinary, every day, all consuming thoughts and just relax!

A positive note for the day... I LOVE the new podcast the worship leader at our church has been recording everyday!  The Gathering Place.  It doesn't matter if you are in a dry place or wanting more and more!  It's so easy to listen and I love that baby girl moves like crazy when she hears the voices of our praise team singing out from the computer!  She is in love with them already!  I could write about our body of believers all day too!

I am still a little shaky when I begin to pray.  I feel as if we are meeting for the first time and I have nothing to say.  I am tired of constantly being bombarded with worry and fear.  I am weary from not having energy, but I feel selfish praying for sleep to come at night. Again, I don't know what to say.  Asking for you to take it from me just feels selfish.  Thank You for the podcast that has been such a blessing.  Thank You for the faithful ones who record the podcast and thank You for the movement I have felt from this child today! I do pray, my focus for You and Your word will continue to increase.


Emily grapes said...

First...I read your blog, so you aren't the ONLY one, so know that. :)

Second...I've been where you've been, maybe not as severe, but I've been there. I'm not an expert on my relationship with God or knowing His word through and through but I know He's hearing you even in your 'I don't know' prayers.

I wrote this awhile back and even though it might not be the most eloquent, I was saying it from inside my storm... :)

Emily at Amazing Grapes

Candi said...

I am a new follower to your blog and I just wanted to say a few words of encouragement. This post spoke to me and I don't know if you're still feeling stuck in this place but I just wanted to offer something that worked for me when I felt far from our Father. Every morning when you wake up offer up a prayer for everything you can think of that you are thankful for, and that's it. No asking for anything, no praying for anybody, just a morning prayer of thanksgiving every morning. After you've gotten the hang of this then start doing it upon waking and then again at lunch time. Then once you have that down pat then you do waking, lunch & dinner. After a while you will become infused with an attitude of thankfulness and all His blessings will become crystal clear. Once you realize how very MUCH you have to be thankful for it will become easier to pray for others. Praying this way has made such a difference in my life and it brought me to a time in my life when I was as close to God as I'd ever been. I hope that you will try it & that it will bring you back to His side as well.

The Poole Family said...

Love the thanksgiving prayer idea up there!! What a great way to start the day! And once a month blogging is awesome!!!! Much better than the twice a month blogging that I do. :))) ughhhh, Internet!!!! Ha! Love youuuu and so glad we are friends AND neighbors!!! :)))