Here goes another day at attempting to blog. I believe blogging has taken a back seat in my life for many reasons. Yes, it's true I haven't had motivation for much of anything these days, including cleaning and cooking. My poor husband has to scrounge up what he can to survive! I'm glad he loves me regardless. Boy, would I be in trouble if our love was contingent on me being a great house wife! I have also felt as if blogging was pointless. The truth is I'm probably one of the only people who reads this thing, but I did find it therapeutic when I was blogging consistently. I guess that is a good enough reason to blog.
The main reason and probably the most difficult to discuss is how far from the Lord I have felt lately. I started blogging as a way to let others (if there were others reading) who may be dealing with depression see that God is good and always present even in the midst of depression. When I started blogging I read my bible on a consistent basis and really enjoyed spending time talking to the Lord and being in His presence. It wasn't because of a legalistic (you have to do this or you will be punished) reason, but a deep desire in my spirit that spurred me to want to know more about Him. I haven't had that deep desire lately. I want to know the Lord, but I don't comprehend what I read anymore. I am easily overwhelmed and feel like a kid who has ADD! I can't pay attention for more than ten minutes at a time! It's a little frusturating being so easily distracted. The depression has lessoned, but the anxiety in my life has increased a great deal! Anyway, how could I bring myself to blog when I find it difficult to pray. My prayers have sounded more like this lately, "God this person is in pain or their family is hurting, I pray ughhh, I don't know Lord, I pray... You will help them." It is like I have prayer block. I'm not sure that is a real thing, but that's how I feel. Yup, prayer block would be the best words to sum up my prayers lately.
This dry spell stinks! People have told me He is teaching me in this dry spell, but I don't feel like I have learned anything just yet. I know the Lord is leading me out of it, because there is evidence in my life, such as right now, I'm blogging! The hubs and I did a bible study together for the first time in a long time. Granted, I laid my head down as he read, but it was progress. Too many great things have happened lately for me not to write about and hopefully soon they will be part of my blog. I'm not sure anymore what this blog is intended for or if it will ever serve any huge purpose in my life or the life of someone else, but I'm going to try and keep writing. Even if I only write once a month, my intentions are to just write!
I'm not sure about writing regarding all my fears and anxieties at this point. No, I think it will be pretty light hearted for a while. I don't want to think of all the things that could happen. Maybe it will be an outlet for me to get away from my ordinary, every day, all consuming thoughts and just relax!
A positive note for the day... I LOVE the new podcast the worship leader at our church has been recording everyday! The Gathering Place. It doesn't matter if you are in a dry place or wanting more and more! It's so easy to listen and I love that baby girl moves like crazy when she hears the voices of our praise team singing out from the computer! She is in love with them already! I could write about our body of believers all day too!
I am still a little shaky when I begin to pray. I feel as if we are meeting for the first time and I have nothing to say. I am tired of constantly being bombarded with worry and fear. I am weary from not having energy, but I feel selfish praying for sleep to come at night. Again, I don't know what to say. Asking for you to take it from me just feels selfish. Thank You for the podcast that has been such a blessing. Thank You for the faithful ones who record the podcast and thank You for the movement I have felt from this child today! I do pray, my focus for You and Your word will continue to increase.