Darkness has crept in all around me. I have been sad and I have tried to keep it in. I didn't want people to know, but when you are connected it's hard to keep things hidden. I thank God for not allowing me to suffer alone. I want to give God all of me. I am tired of praying for healing and slightly tired of thinking it will come. If God wills it then it will be, but if He doesn't, I have to be thankful just as I am. He has blessed me more than I deserve. It has been made clear to me, that my thinking process is off. I don't think correctly. I suspect many of us have thinking issues. We have rights as a believer in Christ and as a child of God that we can take into battle. I have read many of these rights over and over, but for some unknown reason I can't take hold of them. Someone suggested I ask God why and today I did.
When I asked God why I can't take the weapons He has given me and battle negative thoughts, He answered. The answer is what I want to share more than anything today. How He answered was amazing to me. I walked into my closet to put clothes up and hit my knees. I began to pray. I asked the hard question and also admitted that I can't keep pursuing health any longer. I told Him how tired I was and how I wanted the energy I use to pursue other things to be used on Him. After a long prayer of confession and repentance I decided to finish the clothes. As I was leaving the closet I saw a book that I had never read hidden under some clothes. On the first page I read, "My God will meet all of your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." The insert discussed "halfhearted" measures. God doesn't use halfhearted measures when it comes to His children. He fights for us and all that is done is according to His glorious riches. I knew instantly my answer was that I have been using halfhearted commitment when it comes to fighting in this battle. My hope is, I will learn to take hold of the weapons given whole heartedly and I will use this blog as a recording of truths I learn along the way.
I also read an amazing article on faith get away and saw this wonderful picture by Mark Batterson after praying.