Yesterday was extremely difficult for me. My husband and I were ready to go to the emergency room at 3 a.m. this morning, but thankfully it did not come to that. I cried in shame at the weakness of my flesh and heart. I cried out saying Father please give me strength. I haven't slept well five nights in a row and the trash can is now my best friend. I then saw Isaiah 41:10 which says, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
At times it seems God is far away, I wonder if He cares when we hurt. I know the answer is YES, He does care. I know there is a reason His children face trials and tribulations. I believe He wishes it could be different, but it can't. At some point today many of the questions I have asked God lately were answered.
I asked God for grace. He said, "My grace is sufficient for you." I asked for strength. He said, "My power is made perfect in your weakness." I asked for rest. He said, "Rest in me child." I asked why so much hurt and pain in this world? He said, "Trust me dear child for only I know the plans I have for each of you. For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways. For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."It is so easy for me to forget that the greatest lessons in life are often learned in the most difficult times. My heart and flesh want to give up. In those times, I do feel as though God has forgotten me, but if I don't give into the flesh and keep fighting, He always will let me know He does care. Sometimes He uses family and friends and sometimes He uses scriptures or songs. On occasion He just uses His still small voice to speak and it is the mots beautiful experience in the world.
I am weak and at times I want to give up. I want to stop praying and pushing myself. My desire fades and it scares me. I always need You more than breath. I want to seek You with my whole heart even though it is difficult. I am thankful that You never give up on me. I am thankful this is not our permanent home.
This hymn was written by Joh Newton. He wrote this song after his dear friend William Cowper had a break down. Newton wrote that it seemed as though God was going out of his way to make life difficult for him then realized that even through adversity, God continues to work.
1. I asked the Lord that I might growIn faith and love and every graceMight more of His salvation knowAnd seek more earnestly His face
2. Twas He who taught me thus to prayAnd He I trust has answered prayerBut it has been in such a wayAs almost drove me to despair
3. I hoped that in some favored hourAt once He’d answer my requestAnd by His love’s constraining powerSubdue my sins and give me rest
4. Instead of this He made me feelThe hidden evils of my heartAnd let the angry powers of HellAssault my soul in every part
5. Yea more with His own hand He seemedIntent to aggravate my woeCrossed all the fair designs I schemed,Cast out my feelings, laid me low
6. Lord why is this, I trembling criedWilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?“Tis in this way” The Lord replied“I answer prayer for grace and faith”
7. “These inward trials I employFrom self and pride to set thee freeAnd break thy schemes of earthly joyThat thou mayest seek thy all in me,That thou mayest seek thy all in me.”