I asked

Yesterday was extremely difficult for me.  My husband and I were ready to go to the emergency room at 3 a.m. this morning, but thankfully it did not come to that.  I cried in shame at the weakness of my flesh and heart.  I cried out saying Father please give me strength. I haven't slept well five nights in a row and the trash can is now my best friend. I then saw Isaiah 41:10 which says, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

At times it seems God is far away, I wonder if He cares when we hurt.  I know the answer is YES, He does care.  I know there is a reason His children face trials and tribulations. I believe He wishes it could be different, but it can't. At some point today many of the questions I have asked God lately were answered.

I asked God for grace. He said, "My grace is sufficient for you." I asked for strength.  He said, "My power is made perfect in your weakness."  I asked for rest.  He said, "Rest in me child."  I asked why so much hurt and pain in this world?  He said, "Trust me dear child for only I know the plans I have for each of you.  For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.  For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

It is so easy for me to forget that the greatest lessons in life are often learned in the most difficult times.  My heart and flesh want to give up.  In those times, I do feel as though God has forgotten me, but if I don't give into the flesh and keep fighting, He always will let me know He does care.  Sometimes He uses family and friends and sometimes He uses scriptures or songs. On occasion He just uses His still small voice to speak and it is the mots beautiful experience in the world.

Father,
I am weak and at times I want to give up.  I want to stop praying and pushing myself.  My desire fades and it scares me.  I always need You more than breath.  I want to seek You with my whole heart even though it is difficult.  I am thankful that You never give up on me.  I am thankful this is not our permanent home.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” (John 14:1-4)

This hymn was written by Joh Newton. He wrote this song after his dear friend William Cowper had a break down.  Newton wrote that it seemed as though God was going out of his way to make life difficult for him then realized that even through adversity, God continues to work.

Lyrics:

1. I asked the Lord that I might grow

In faith and love and every grace

Might more of His salvation know

And seek more earnestly His face

2. Twas He who taught me thus to pray

And He I trust has answered prayer

But it has been in such a way

As almost drove me to despair

3. I hoped that in some favored hour

At once He’d answer my request

And by His love’s constraining power

Subdue my sins and give me rest

4. Instead of this He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart

And let the angry powers of Hell

Assault my soul in every part

5. Yea more with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Cast out my feelings, laid me low

6. Lord why is this, I trembling cried

Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?

“Tis in this way” The Lord replied

“I answer prayer for grace and faith”

7. “These inward trials I employ

From self and pride to set thee free

And break thy schemes of earthly joy

That thou mayest seek thy all in me,

That thou mayest seek thy all in me.”

 

Lack of Desire

Lately I have had very little desire for anything.  It is hard for me to be honest about this lack of desire, but I feel it is necessary.  I haven't wanted to blog or even open a computer for that matter.  For a couple of weeks, it was difficult for me to leave my house.  Cleaning and cooking have been a thing of the past for quiet some time now.  This lack of desire has been much deeper than blogging or not wanting to push myself to get off the couch.  I have felt spiritually dry.  It has been difficult for me to read, pray, and just spend quality time with God.  I did not and do not want to be so dry, but I have felt stuck.  Last Sunday I asked God to spark my desire once again.  On Monday I was finally able to read and the desire seems to be gradually increasing.  My heart has been weary for what seems like an eternity, although in reality it's only been a few weeks. I will continue to pray the Lord leads me out of this dry spell, but until then I am not sure blogging or anything else will be consistent. I know what it feels like to be depressed, but this is different.  I can't even explain it.  I am just tired of never feeling well, but at the same time I am thankful.  I have an Aunt who was recently diagnosed with cancer and just thinking of all she goes through breaks my heart.  She hurts and has to find strength to push through.  In my opinion it is a wicked disease.  My sickness has a blessing in the form of a child at the end, but what does hers have?  I want healing for her and for all who ache.  I read someones Facebook status recently and it said, "I am thankful that this body is only a rental." I am thankful there will be a day with no more pain.   My heart and flesh want to fight and say, "Don't be thankful, but be angry because you are always sick!" I need the Spirit to fight for me, because I don't have the strength to fight for myself.

Father,
Please let the Holy Spirit fight for me.  I have grown weary.  I am thankful for all You have done and continue to do. I am sorry that I am so weak.  I am sorry for just wanting to give up.  I feel like such a terrible person for asking You to heal me after all You have done.  I want to enjoy this time, but if You don't grant me healing from this, I will thank You anyway.  Please renew my mind, body, soul, and spirit.  In Jesus name I pray, amen.