A look back

I have attempted to blog more times than I can count.  For one reason or another I have not accomplished my goal of writing.  One reason is the inability to put down the most precious gift in the world.  Yes, my six week old is already spoiled!  If she cries mommy is there to pick her up.  My house is not as clean as it once was, but I know that mess will be here when she is grown.  I do one day plan to blog about her, but today I am reflecting on last winter.

Recently our church's praise and worship band recorded an album.  One of the songs was written by a woman who I will forever cherish.  The song made me reflect on where I was last year.  That is the year I began to blog.  I was very depressed when I first started blogging and I believed (I still believe) the Lord was leading me to write about my struggles. Looking back I remember how I struggled with so many thoughts and attacks.  Some days were more dark than others.  I had so many questions, but many times I was afraid to ask.  I thought I would disappoint God if I asked any questions.  He revealed many things to me in that dark period.  I did not disappoint him when I asked questions. In fact we became closer.  Last winter was extremely difficult and at times just painful, but what came out of it was a beautiful relationship with a beautiful Savior.

In the summer of 2011 I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  A procedure was done and it took longer than expected to recover physically, but mentally it took what seemed like forever.  The endo came back and I became almost hopeless.  I found out I had two blocked fallopian tubes and I just knew this evil endometriosis was not going to be healed by man.  The chances of it coming back were always going to be great.  This also meant having a child was going to be difficult. My husband and I had always known it would be difficult for me to become pregnant.  I began having problems as a teenager, but no one knew what was wrong.  Doctors just said, "Your hormones aren't quiet right, but we will deal with it when you are older."  I was also taking the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I saw so much hurt around me.  People I loved were in pain.  I still don't understand it all, but I have accepted that in all things God has a plan and His ways are greater than my ways. It was a long, hard winter for me.  I am thankful for that winter, because I did grow in the Lord.  I met with Him daily and I will forever "bless that pain."

My hope had to be in God, because I knew I could not hope in anything or anyone else.  No person could heal me. He was and is my only hope.  My husband and I went to the elders who prayed over us.  Almost immediately God lifted the depression that had been hindering me.  I could not imagine what was coming next!  He took away the endometriosis by placing a child in me.  By man's standards this was impossible. The doctors were planning another surgery, but I never had to have the surgery.

I plan to blog about how God has used the past ten months, including my labor and delivery to strip fears away.  I do continue to struggle with fear and anxiety, but I am more aware than ever that God is doing a work in my life.  He doesn't want His children to fear, which is why I believe it is written so many times in the Bible.

I am grateful for this song and the reminder it is to me. I never want to forget the long spiritual winter of 2011/2012.

Like Nothing Else

Your glory means more….to me
than anything I….. could seek
In silence I wait for You
I wait for You

And though I am broken….I cling
To promises you give to me
My tears wash Your feet, Lord
I will worship You

Chorus
I will rest In Your arms
Oh God of Mercy
There’s no one that I trust
But You to hold me
You are My everything
Forever I will bless this pain
For bringing me to You

Chorus
You satisfy like nothing else
You are my treasure and my wealth
You’re worth more than ten thousand worlds to me

The entire CD is a blessing!  It is called,  Come and Dwell and can be purchased on iTunes.